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There are moments in my life where I believe the stars align and that life has so much love and adventure to explore. Where I point to the moon and share the beauty of the world with others. I notice the big things along with the little things. I appreciate the air I breathe in. I show how grateful I am for the people and love that I’ve received in life.

There are moments, such as now, where my heart begins to burn. Strangled with the trauma and insecurities. Fading into view from the shadows inside my mind. I feel the droplets of blood swirl into a pools of ashes. I never truly thought I would fall back into this state, but I’m starting to believe that with everything that has happened…I can’t hold it together much longer. 

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My goal of this year was to explore myself and my identity, regain my long-lost passions, create new memories, make new connections and take care of my mental health. The last statement was a big one for this year. The thought of possibly not being in this world anymore scares me. And at the same time…it soothes me. I know many people say, “You don’t actually want to die, you just want the pain to go away”. And while that’s true…I can’t help but wonder: “Why can’t I escape that demon inside my head? Why does death loom so close? It pulls me back while I’m trying to stay afloat”.